A student again

Hi!

SO I'm feeling like a student again... I have been one since after labor day, but my nasty cold left me with no energy to study or think. Now, I'm regaining the ability to think, yet I don't think it's up to par of my Yale classmates. Yes, my friends, I feel a bit stupid. Not completely, just a bit. I try to tell myself that there is a reason I'm here, that I'm probably not as stupid as I feel, or maybe I fooled them, and myself, well. Whatever it is, it's giving me the drive to study much harder, because I don't like feeling stupid.

Today I was in my pathology seminar class, and did make a comment on the paper we read (I am aspiring for High Honors, after all, aka: an A in the class), but I did NOT get the main fallacy with the paper. I was talking to Ashley before class and she was like, it really bugs me that they didn't do the experiment with this one knockout, when they did it for this other one. It turns out that maybe the problem I had with the paper would have been solved if that knockout was used, and I kind of saw that and thought that, but it didn't really really hit me... So I feel a bit foolish. I dunno, I need to think more critically-- which is tough.

I also feel very very stupid when sitting in on lab meetings. I follow things until one point, and then boom, I'm lost. And I have yet to go talk to my PI bc I feel very stupid, and do not wish to appear so... But I am determined to stop by tomorrow with my questions.

So, life at Yale is a challenge... exactly what I was looking for in grad school. Apparently I like to feel stupid, or something. Grad school is a much larger challenge than I ever thought it would be. A lot of it is becoming the person that I know I can be, with all the hurdles that I put on myself-- all mental hurdles, of course. It's very hard to see how I will accomplish all the things in store for me... but I guess I just have to take it one day at a time, and try to enjoy myself in doing so...

Hopefully all will go well... I am so afraid of failure, that I think that if I were less afraid of failing, I wouldn't be so scared... Oh well...

But so far so good. The people in my lab are very nice, and I enjoy myself there. I kind of feel silly that I go in every day, and spend most of the time reading journals, but I want to be available and inmerse myself in the lab, even if my project has yet to start. Also, there's tons of meetings to attend and stuff.

Anyway... I'm back at the apartment after a long day of class, lab meeting (it started at 1pm.. I left early at 2:45pm, and it was still going on... probably until 3:30pm or more), and then more class... And I will work on getting my desk cleared so I can actually do some work on it!